Ideas Man

In a fantastically well-thought-out bid to stay in power until the end of time, the Captain of The Lying Bastards’ Team, who were currently in charge of it all or so they thought, asked The Minister at The Department for Pointless Ideas to come up with a Pointless Idea.

            This Idea had to be so stupendously, incredibly, irretrievably Pointless that it would lead to The Lying Bastards’ Team staying in power for the next one billion years, by which time the sun would have vaporized all life on Earth and the party, most likely, would be over.

            The Minister for Pointless Ideas had worked obsessively throughout his worthless, pathetic career, and achieving the status of Minister for Pointless Ideas had validated his every decision. His excessive working hours had led his wife to find solace in a new hobby: shoplifting electrical appliances and then, once home, working out which ones vibrated the best.

            The Minister for Pointless Ideas set about his task of formulating a Pointless Idea with the boundless enthusiasm of a teenager who has just discovered onanism; he sometimes ejaculated as many as six entire Pointless Ideas in one day.

            At the end of a week of bashing out Pointless Ideas, one after another after another, The Minister for Pointless Ideas felt drained but triumphant.

            The Captain of The Lying Bastards’ Team called the Minister into his office. After a firm handshake, which left the Captain of The Lying Bastards’ Team with a compelling desire to wash his hands, The Minister for Pointless Ideas put forward his Pointless Idea:

DON’T CHANGE ANYTHING

…on the grounds that people like to hear the word “Change” in their election campaigns despite the fact that they don’t actually like change.

At the next election, The Lying Bastards’ Team campaigned under the slogan: Our Big Pointless Idea? Don’t Change Anything.

            However, eternal power was not to be, for The Lying Bastards’ Team were replaced by their great rivals and fierce opponents, The Pretending Not To Be Lying Bastards’ Team, whose campaign slogan, Our Big Idea: We Aren’t Them, was found to be more persuasive by the 3% of the electorate who bothered to vote.

The Former Minister for Pointless Ideas was left to contemplate seven tumble-driers, four washing machines and over three-hundred hand-held electrical devices, from drills to electric toothbrushes and beyond, in a life that had not been worth living.