Sunday, 29 May 2011

Detective Douche Bag and the Wedding Fish

Antionakis Sheftalia, Cypriot sound-engineer extraordinaire, created bespoke sound effects for any discerning director of endangered films. In a bid to gain wider recognition, this is what Antionakis Sheftalia, Cypriot sound-engineer extraordinaire, creator of etc., had decided to do: release a CD of his sound effects extraordinaire, the title of which was: “Detective Douche Bag and the Wedding Fish, the Twenty Greatest Not-Hits of Antionakis Sheftalia (who?)”

Side 1. The sound of…

  1. … a whale being taught French by a Polynesian hat manufacturer.
  2. … a bicycle asking for directions in Japanese.
  3. … an unnecessarily bad-tempered person being given unexpectedly good news.
  4. … a door falling off a cliff but not landing.
  5. … a sleeping tablecloth.
  6. … your eyebrows growing for a week.
  7. … the silence just before a married couple row.
  8. … seven wrong answers.
  9. … a mystic psychic interpreting the haircuts of footballers just prior to a football tournament in order to make an accurate prediction of who will score the first goal.

Side 2. The sound of…

  1. … God realizing something.
  2. … a not mouse not eating something which isn’t cheese.
  3. … ink drying on a guilty person’s forced confession.
  4. … laces not being tied properly.
  5. … a hearing-impaired parrot saying nearly the right word.
  6. … the obligatory cough in the middle of the adagio section of Rachmaninov’s concerto for cheese-grater and toothpick.
  7. … falling through air.
  8. … a disagreement between foxes about the best way to bring up cubs.
  9. … the twain meeting.

BONUS TRACKS (unavailable)

The sound of a question mark.
The sound of a tree’s orgasm.

Each sound effect lasted no more and no less than. 

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