Antionakis Sheftalia, Cypriot sound-engineer extraordinaire, created bespoke sound effects for any discerning director of endangered films. In a bid to gain wider recognition, this is what Antionakis Sheftalia, Cypriot sound-engineer extraordinaire, creator of etc., had decided to do: release a CD of his sound effects extraordinaire, the title of which was: “Detective Douche Bag and the Wedding Fish, the Twenty Greatest Not-Hits of Antionakis Sheftalia (who?)”
Side 1. The sound of…
- … a whale being taught French by a Polynesian hat manufacturer.
- … a bicycle asking for directions in Japanese.
- … an unnecessarily bad-tempered person being given unexpectedly good news.
- … a door falling off a cliff but not landing.
- … a sleeping tablecloth.
- … your eyebrows growing for a week.
- … the silence just before a married couple row.
- … seven wrong answers.
- … a mystic psychic interpreting the haircuts of footballers just prior to a football tournament in order to make an accurate prediction of who will score the first goal.
Side 2. The sound of…
- … God realizing something.
- … a not mouse not eating something which isn’t cheese.
- … ink drying on a guilty person’s forced confession.
- … laces not being tied properly.
- … a hearing-impaired parrot saying nearly the right word.
- … the obligatory cough in the middle of the adagio section of Rachmaninov’s concerto for cheese-grater and toothpick.
- … falling through air.
- … a disagreement between foxes about the best way to bring up cubs.
- … the twain meeting.
BONUS TRACKS (unavailable)
The sound of a question mark.
The sound of a tree’s orgasm.
Each sound effect lasted no more and no less than.