Friday, 6 May 2011


Occupying the shed at the end of his garden which he had never visited, Kent Certain defied gravity by jumping on a priceless Grecian Urn.
            Kent Certain knew that, one day, gravity would kill him. This was the knowledge which Kent Certain held.
            Kent Certain soon tired of the cobwebs, rusty oil can odour and uneasy, creeping feeling that gravity was worse inside garden sheds than outside garden sheds. Furthermore, the exquisite thrill of bowdlerizing the art from a priceless Grecian Urn had begun to dissipate. Stamp on a Grecian Urn; that’s what the poem said, wasn’t it?
            Jumping outside and onto a stolen trampoline which had once won the Turner Prize, John Lennon’s returned MBE and a place on “I’m a Celebrity, Stab Me in the Neck”, Kent Certain raved in a Dionysian fit on the most decorated trampoline in history. The soundtrack of his rave, “Tammy Wynette: A Moving Collection of Death Metal Tributes”, was currently stuck for eternity on “Stand by Your Hat” by Hollowed Out Skull. Kent Certain sang along to the words at the top of his voice:
            “Beauty is truth, truth beauty – that is all
                        You know on earth and all you need to know.
            That and the fact that gravity will one day kill you.
                        Stand by your hat.”

Next week it would be black holes.
            “That’s still gravity!” shouted a smart-arse.

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