Having read somewhere that all religions are death cults, Pope Mountebank I, Spiritual Leader of the Televisual Congregation of the Modern Day, decided to test his supposition that all he really needed to get things cooking was a New Revised List of Prophecies Signifying the Arrival of a, Possibly The, Messiah (succinctness had never been a forte).
A New Revised List of Prophecies Signifying the Arrival of a, Possibly The, Messiah
from The New New Testament’s Godspell accordingly to St Jean-Luc Picard
A, possibly The, Messiah will be born with a tattoo of the letter “M” (but where?!). Said tattoo will be yellow on a red background, proving that he is a, possibly The, Messiah (“M” for Messiah, as all of his biographies will be called), and that he is also one of the people (re: having a tattoo; being sponsored by McDonald’s; and similar things). A, Possibly The, Messiah will be called Gavin or Wayne or, and here’s the important part, something like that. Gavin/Wayne/Similar/A/The Messiah will be an obscurantist demagogue much enamoured of greeting-card philosophy and reality television. He will wear sumptuously exquisite clothes from George @ Asda and his general manner will be arrogant, almost to the point of humility. His opponents, of which there will be many, will all be servile, disobliging contrarians who only manage to get through life by practising an unattractive combination of caprice, bravura and pretending that they don’t vote Tory. Gavin/Wayne/Similar/A/The Messiah will bring an end to the world (but how?), during which his devout and right-about-everything followers will laugh and sing and dance because everyone else is having to watch re-runs of “Sarah Beeny’s Selling Houses” for all eternity.
All of which is true, so sign up now.
Response: Hang on, are we the sheep?