Having read somewhere that all religions are death cults,
Pope Mountebank I, Spiritual Leader of the Televisual Congregation of the
Modern Day, decided to test his supposition that all he really needed to get
things cooking was a New Revised List of Prophecies Signifying the Arrival of a,
Possibly The, Messiah (succinctness had never been a forte).
A New Revised List of
Prophecies Signifying the Arrival of a, Possibly The, Messiah
from The New New
Testament’s Godspell accordingly to St Jean-Luc Picard
A, possibly The, Messiah will be born with a tattoo of the
letter “M” (but where?!). Said tattoo
will be yellow on a red background, proving that he is a, possibly The, Messiah
(“M” for Messiah, as all of his biographies will be called), and that he is also
one of the people (re: having a tattoo; being sponsored by McDonald’s; and similar things). A, Possibly The, Messiah
will be called Gavin or Wayne or, and here’s the important part, something like
that. Gavin/Wayne/Similar/A/The Messiah will be an obscurantist demagogue much
enamoured of greeting-card philosophy and reality television. He will wear sumptuously
exquisite clothes from George @ Asda
and his general manner will be arrogant, almost to the point of humility. His
opponents, of which there will be many, will all be servile, disobliging
contrarians who only manage to get through life by practising an unattractive
combination of caprice, bravura and pretending that they don’t vote Tory. Gavin/Wayne/Similar/A/The
Messiah will bring an end to the world (but how?), during which his devout and right-about-everything followers
will laugh and sing and dance because everyone else is having to watch re-runs of “Sarah
Beeny’s Selling Houses” for all eternity.
All of which is true, so sign up now.
Response: Hang
on, are we the sheep?
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