Monday, 22 May 2017

*of


I write a text for my wife.
Thinking if you… I read, but only after having pressed ‘SEND’.
(I clearly only proofread texts to my wife after I have sent them.)
Thinking if you… what, though? I thought.
Thinking if you... could proofread my texts for me before I send them?
Thinking if you... are as careless as I am when texting?
(No.)
Thinking if you... remembered how haphazard and absent-minded I can be,
‘cos if not: here’s a reminder.
Reflecting on the infinite variety of language
I realise that Thinking if you... could be completed in an infinity of ways.
Thinking if you... are dancing around your classroom like the ballerina you once were.
Possible.
Thinking if you... are marking books.
Almost certain.
Thinking if you...are secretly a fox.
Now I’m just being silly.
I don’t send these thoughts of her.
Instead, I send her the rather more prosaic:
*of.
Leaving now
She replies, a few minutes later.
Sage journey
I reply.

Potatoes Done 47 Ways


potatoes with sunshine
grieving potatoes
silent potatoes
talentless potatoes
chewy potatoes
potatoes on the cob
potato jam
vodka-infused potatoes
kiss-of-death potatoes
potatoes in a lift
mind-reading potatoes
much-vaunted potatoes
poached potatoes
laughable potatoes
potatoes Marseillaise (with horn section and timpani)
potatoes for beginners
forbidden potatoes
potatoes nouvelle riche
vending-machine potatoes
potatoes camouflaged as rocks
overly elaborate potatoes
too many potatoes  
potato-in-a-basket
baked Alaska potatoes
minimalist potatoes
potatoes cor Anglais
water divining potatoes
jellied potatoes
crispy, roast, blow-torched and incinerated potatoes
indifferent potatoes
potatoes kleptomaniac
peppermint potatoes
Godforsaken potatoes
hated potatoes
Panzer Division potatoes
excommunicated potatoes
potatoes done medium rare
freethinking potatoes
catastrophe potatoes
potatoes à la pommes de terre
potatoes ooh-la-la!
potatoes quelle surprise
Grade 8 piano potatoes
potatoes in a jar
old potatoes
no potatoes

Served with chips

When auditioning for MasterChef


I prepared a starter of moustaches done three ways:

Hitler. Stalin. Porn.


For the main course, I prepared my signature dish:

Fergus McGonigal

written in milky veal blood on a rectangular plate; a salad of inedible flowers; and potatoes done 47 ways.


For pudding, a deconstructed novel.

Hay smoked foreword. Sous vide chapters. Blurb custard, spelling out the words:

I hope you’re happy now.

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Handbaggage

Big sis.
studying
‘Imp. Of Being Earnest’
Eng. Lit. O’Level.
‘Lose one parent? Unfortch.
Two? Carelessness’.
Adoptive parents,
three natural children:
much laughter.

Me?
Careless.