Fetch!

Bernadette Fever was concerned about the lack of baptism in the world because she didn’t want people to go to Hell.

            Her concern turned to delight when she leant that anyone could do the baptizing.

            Bernadette Fever set about baptizing those things which she didn’t want to go to Hell. Thus, special Teddy became St. John Ignatius Fever, Dolly became Sister Mary Magdalene Immaculate Fever and Splodge, the family terrier, became Pope Wayne Skywalker Fever.

            Bernadette Fever was concerned that Pope Wayne Skywalker Fever would not like Heaven and so she baptized blanky the blanket (John Terry Fever), his bouncy ball (Pope Wayne Skywalker II Fever) and the garden (Fr. Gary Barlow Fever).

            They were one big happy family.

St. John Ignatius Fever ended up being left behind at a hotel in Greece, Sister Mary Immaculate Fever was sold for 50 pence at a car boot sale in Herefordshire and Pope Wayne Skywalker died in his sleep, dreaming of playing fetch with Pope Wayne Skywalker II Fever. None of which particularly concerned Bernadette Fever, who, having grown up, had discovered sex, drugs and atheism.

            After her fatal overdose, it was something of a surprise for Bernadette Fever to see, just beyond the gates of Heaven, Pope Wayne Skywalker Fever chasing his namesake around Fr. Gary Barlow Fever, while Sister Mary Magdalene Immaculate Fever lay down on John Terry.

            They spent the rest of eternity, which was a very long time indeed, playing fetch.

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            ... and so on.