Firstly: to all of those ignorant, semi-educated English folk who think that apologize should be spelt apologise, and the fact they occasionally see it spelt apologize is yet further proof of the “creeping Americanization” of the racial purity of the English mother tongue – your ignorance is all my fault, and I am deeply sorry for it. You clearly haven’t read enough novels and I am sorry about that, as it’s my fault.
For those of you who are intellectually imbecile enough to think that there could possibly be such as thing as “Americanization”, I’m sorry; your error in assuming that one can reduce the diversity of thought and opinion from a country the size of America into one, catch-all, meaningless, pejorative arrow is my fault.
I apologize unreservedly for those of you who buy their opinions from newspapers, the television or the internet without thinking about them. Your willingness to acquire an idea, label it as your own and then repeat it confidently is my fault. Sorry.
To the fickle-headed, schadenfreude-addicted dimwits amongst you who buy into the modern obsession with celebrity – from the infidelities of the Saxe-Coburg dynasty to the latest weight statistics of a former soap actress – I apologize with considerable remorse. Your fascination with the banal, the trivial and the idiotic is entirely my fault and says more about me that it does about you.
For those of you who pretend to love reading whilst secretly preferring reality tv shows and gossiping about people you’ve never met, a huge sorry. My fault, obviously. Your analysis of the characters on these shows is incontrovertible evidence of the worthlessness of humanity and I am sorry for that; please forgive me.
To those who lend their puny allegiances to any given political party, despite the fact that each one is clearly wrong-headed, mendacious and self-serving: I apologize. I am sorry that your incredible naïveté and stupidity isn’t evident to you and am sorry, for it is clearly all my fault.
And for those of you who now feel aggrieved because I haven’t apologized to you for your own particular pathetic inadequacies: sorry.