Scientists today neither confirmed nor denied that they had discovered – or not – the elusive Big Boatswain, or “God Only Knows Particle.”
“This is a really exciting announcement,” said a man in a coat.
Asked what it proved, a self-important journalist remarked that, “scientists don’t have a life. They want to find out what gives matter its mass? I would have thought that it was obvious that the basic building block of the universe was Lego.”
A derr-ficko politician writing in The Daily Mail, remarked, “Why oh why oh why, etc., can’t scientists look for something useful, like where all the money went?” Guardian readers felt smug, but for no good reason.
In a later development, Angela Sarcastic, Supreme Ruler of the European Superstate, Eine Titanic, announced an exciting discovery. “Thanks to the disappearance of billions of Euros, taken from the wage packets of ordinary, hardworking mugs with no pensions, we can confirm the existence of financial Black Holes at the very heart of the European Parliamental. Ich bin eine lying, thieving bastard.”
Scientists were unable to confirm that they had found a use for politicians, or that auditors were allowed passage on the SS Titanic.