Monday, 19 December 2011

‘Tis the Season to Be Jolly Angry

Magnificent Christmas Parcels square up to Easter Eggs in a Jealous War of Attrition over what is more important:




Christmas presents wrapped in shiny, expensive paper which doesn’t rip when you wrap it on an awkwardly-shaped present (like a crucifix), strike a Just and Holy and Good and True Alliance with Wedding Confetti. Wedding Confetti knows its place; it also knows the true meaning of transience.
            Easter Eggs make an Unholy and Wrong Alliance with Hallowe’en Face Masks, who are known for their treachery, admiration of Adolf Hitler’s moustache, and ability to confuse Old People.
            A Phoney War ensues, during which each Seasonally Festive Superpower makes preparations for Final Victory.

In an unexpected move, Easter Eggs and Hallowe’en Masks launch a pre-emptive first strike on Wedding Confetti. Wedding Confetti is annihilated, and despite a furious rear-guard defensive manoeuvre by Christmas Gifts, nothing can be done to save it.
            Easter Eggs and Hallowe’en Masks look set for Certain Victory, but during the raid on Wedding Confetti, a payload is accidentally dropped on Eid-ul-Fitr, who mistakenly believes that Diwali candles are responsible.
            Diwali Candles hide behind Buddha, who is smiling benevolently and with a serenity which unnerves Eid-ul-Fitr.
            Cardboard Cut-Out Father Christmas shields everything with his sack of presents and temporarily deafens Hallowe’en Masks with his “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
            World War III and the inevitable, total destruction of humanity is averted when Ebeneezer Scrooge comes along and makes everyone see The Error of Their Ways.
            Easter Eggs and Christmas Stocking Fillers hug each other unconvincingly, swap cards and then Carry On As Normal until next year, when it will all kick off again.

No comments:

Post a Comment