Thursday, 22 September 2011

Wonder Cow and the Magic Bee-Trap

Parfait Plus-ca-Change decided to write a children’s book. The title of Ms Plus-ca-Change’s children’s book was: “Wonder Cow and the Magic Bee-Trap”.

Wonder Cow suffered from repeated psychotic episodes as a result of her spongiform encephalitis, which she had contracted having scoffed the offal remnants of several members of her family, most notably her aunts Daisy and Mabel, who were, in fact, real. Or had been, until they were repackaged and re-issued as various burgers, steaks, mince and, of course, reconstituted offal.

Having read “Ferdinand the Bull” (BSE had bestowed upon her the magical power to read), Wonder Cow developed hysterical paranoia about bees. Disguising herself as a giant flower, Wonder Cow attracted many bees, which she expertly milked for their honey, after which she headbutted them into oblivion. The honey cured Wonder Cow of her BSE; thus, she reverted to Ordinary Cow.

Stupid Wonder Cow-now-Ordinary Cow; if only she’d had the foresight to escape during her Wonder Cow incarnation instead of getting het up about bees.

Ordinary Cow joined a long line of family members in various boxes and bags, but mainly ended up in the “Savers” section in Sainsbury’s freezer.

The book was a great hit in Spain, where it outsold the biography of General Franco’s moustache by eight-to-one.

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