Saturday, 10 September 2011

News in Brief

Futurologist Arabella Marmite has predicted that owls will one day take over the world. Armed only with bicycle wheels and copies of Heat magazine (August 2008), they will cunningly attack us when we are least expecting it. “An attack from the owls will always be ‘least expected’, so they can take their pick.” Asked if she was certain about the owls, Ms Marmite, a former body-builder, said, “Definitely owls, unless the badgers beat them to it, of course.”

As of Tuesday, no-one will be allowed to be wrong. As Government Minister, Lady Helena Crumpet- Trumpet-Strumpet, explained to the Pointless Sub-Committee for Self-Congratulatory Effluence, “Being wrong accounts for many of the world’s problems.” From Tuesday, anyone who is wrong about anything will be liable to an on-the-spot fine of 87 pence with three points on their tv licence, or else they can attend a four-hour course on “Awareness”.

If you look into the night sky tonight through a telescope, or a pair of loo rolls stuck together with sellotape, you will see stars. To compensate for cloudiness, have someone standing by to hit you over the back of your head with a frying pan.

“No-one is safe.” That was the stark warning issued by France’s Minister for Being Well-Endowed, Monsieur Francois Gaulois-Boudoir. Under a new EU directive, anything which exceeds the safety limit of 4.2 safety joules per hundred will be destroyed. Under the new scheme, ice-cream, sunny days, people called Martin, missed opportunities, disgraced fireplaces and certain types of jam, will be the first to go. The British Prime Minister, Sir Marmaduke Chin, gave a cast-iron guarantee that everything in the UK would be safe, “Even if it wasn’t”.

Research from the Political, Social and Political Think Tank, Chlamydiata, has highlighted the shortage of lesbian traffic wardens in Wales. “This is very embarrassing,” said Gwyn Lllllllth, Grand Wizard of Swansea City Council. “The Council aggressively pursues equal opportunities for everyone, apart from people who have already had them.” Plans to rename Wales “Walllles” were denied.

The national dish of Turkey is set to become chicken. “We’re trying to show our ironic, self-effacing side,” said Mohammed something-or-other. In a diplomatic gaffe, Madame Quiche, France’s Minister for Being Rude, said that Turkey “…was just trying to show off; everyone knows that a chicken is the emblem of France.”

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