Guru 4

I walk into the room

and see the Guru levitating,

his head almost touching

the ceiling.

Checking for hidden wires,

freaky magic mirrors,

and whatnot,

I ascertain that he is,

in fact,

genuinely levitating.

‘That’s pretty damned impressive, Mr G,’

I say,

and he opens his funny guru eyes

before magically descending

onto the floor,

like a guru magically descending

onto a floor.

‘Wait till I tell

everyone about this miracle!’

I say.

‘Yes, do tell anyone you like,’

says the Guru,

with his funny guru voice.

‘I absolutely, one hundred percent will,’ I reply,

before adding,

‘And then you can show them all.

It will be a conflagration

of the doubters’ doubts.’

‘No. You are the doubter of doubters,’

says the Guru.

‘When you tell them,

they will have faith.’

This, I do not like.

‘Show them!’

I say.

‘They already have faith.

I’m the one who has no faith,’

I explain.

‘But now you have belief,

and your belief

will give weight to their faith.’

He then goes off on one

about how faith is superior to belief,

or something,

because, as always,

when the Guru starts talking his talk,

my mind travels elsewhere.

At some point,

acolytes start entering the room,

and when the Guru’s aide

closes the door,

the Guru speaks.

‘Our friend here has something important

to tell you all,’ he says.

Dozens of pairs of eyes

look towards me.

How ridiculous they all look,

I think.

How ridiculous we all look.

Their clothes, their ‘I’m on the path

to spiritual enlightenment’ faces,

their beards, their eyebrows,

their faithfulness.

‘Shall I tell them?’

I ask the Guru.

He nods his funny little guru nod.

‘You’re all fucking idiots,’

I say,

before adding,

‘Namaste,’ bowing piously,

and leaving

like I have a bus to catch.

But when I exit the room,

I find the Guru

already

on the other side of the door.