As a massive fan of James Bond, in 2016 I will be really looking forward to discovering who the next James Bond is going to be.
With that in mind, here is my list of candidates for the role:
1 Jason Statham. England’s finest actor since Lord Olivier.
2 Eddie Izzard, England’s finest transvestite since the Widow Twankie.
3 Hermione Granger, England’s finest snotty little brat.
4 Jeremy Corbyn, England’s finest leader of the Labour Party who’s going to be out of a job soon.
5 England’s finest up and coming actor who can say that his ‘interpretation of Bond will be far more gritty, realistic and in keeping with Fleming’s original character.’
 If by ‘massive fan’ here we mean ‘someone who couldn’t care less about, and who hasn’t seen the films of...’
 Forward-slash Peregrine Carruthers.
 Six months after everyone else.
 If by ‘actor’ here we mean ‘a man who can beat the shit out of everyone in the room, even if they are armed with machine-guns, he is armed only with arms, and they outnumber him at least eight-to-one.’
 If by ‘Hermione Granger’ here we mean ‘Emma Watson’.
 Who has been very quiet since the heady days of ‘Steptoe’.
 If by ‘character’ here we mean ‘embarrassing anachronism’.