Friday, 27 December 2013

26 Words

A new direction.
It’s time for change.
Plan for change.
Ready for change.
Vote for change.
Leadership for a better future.
Britain can deliver.
Hardworking people.

Change Britain.
Change for people.
Change can change.
It’s time for a new hardworking leadership.
Plan for direction.
Vote for better.
Deliver for a future.

People vote for a hardworking future.
It’s time for Plan A.
Britain better deliver.
Leadership ready for new direction.
For change! For change!
Can change change?

Britain can deliver time for hardworking people.
Ready for new change.
It’s change (for a change).
Vote for a future
Plan for better.
Change leadership direction.

Plan! Vote! Deliver!
Change! Change!
Time for Britain! Ready for Better! Leadership for People! 
   Hardworking For New!
It’s a change!
For a future can change direction.

[The eight phrases in (i) were the slogans for the last eight Conservative Party Conferences; I arsed about with them for 'stanzas' - pah! - (ii)-(v).]

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

The Massacre of the Innocents, Part Three

When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with what he had learned from the Magi.
   This confused the general reader, who thought, “Hang on, Part Two mentioned the death of Herod: what’s going on? Furthermore, why didn’t the Angel who initially communicated with the Magi just tell them to avoid Herod? Then all of those baby boys would not have been so senselessly massacred.” But the Angel hadn’t, and lots of baby boys were unnecessarily slaughtered through a simple lack of Godly foresight. Or they would have been, had Herod not died in 4BC.

This is the word of the Lord.

Response: Is it really?

The Massacre of the Innocents, Part Two

“…kill him.”
   Instead of remonstrating with the Angel about suggesting he appear to Herod, for real, and scare him out of this idea, or maybe send his mate, the not-surreal but very real Angel of Death, the one from off of the Passover, Joseph got up, for he always followed his dreams, even when they involved supernatural messengers from outer space (if not there, then where?), and even when he was asleep, for he was a somnambulist (and not just a carpenter).
   He (Joseph) took the child and his mother (that one) during the night (for he was still asleep) and left for Egypt, where he stayed until the death of Herod.
   And so was fulfilled what the Lord had said through the prophet: “Out of Egypt I called my son,” which was not in the least contrived by Matthew (the author of this Gospel, i.e. me) to prove that he (the baby) was the Messiah, as a way of tricking credulous Jews to convert to the early church.

The Interval: please collect your drinks

The Massacre of the Innocents, Part One

An Angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream, for Joseph always followed his dreams, even when they involved dolphins, so there was no need for the Angel to appear in the flesh (not like that); thus the Angel appeared in a dream, which fulfilled the prophecy about dreams. And Angels. Which meant the Angel didn’t really appear at all, did he?
   “Get up,” he (the surreal Angel) said.
   But Joseph replied, “I can’t. I’m in a dream. Pinch me. See? Didn’t feel a thing.”
   The fantasy/hallucination/trance Angel replied, “No, but seriously, take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child and…” (cue sinister corduroys…)

…to be continued…

Starting at the End

On the 12th Day of Christmas my stalker gave to me:

12 pictures of me on holiday in Wales,
11 items from my dustbin,
10 nuisance phone calls,
9 copies of “Love Actually”,
8 drowned kittens (“had a bad day today”),
7 unidentifiable objects (burnt),
6 ml “of my blood”
copies of Thomas à Kempis’s “The Imitation of Christ” with key passages 
  “which remind me of you” highlighted in green,
4 flat tyres,
3 veiled death threats,
2 tickets to see Gary Barlow,
And a disturbing sense of my own vulnerability.

Weather Features

Weather features were fashion items:
low-slung clouds hung slack, like faulty trousers;
glass-bead raindrops, stilled mid-flow, were ear-rings;
wind – wind! all wind! – made one’s hair extravagant;
hot-cold weather fronts gave the appearance of cool.

Loon Attic

What fresh calamities of woe?
   What dread deadbeat feet stamp
With felony and larceny, descending
   Like death’s dark shadow-lamp?

What lunacy of thought is this?
   When caught between two fools,
Who flap their hands like dying flames
   Before the fever cools.

It’s done, to everyone’s relief.
   Cars smash, wind howls, thieves hide,
Incongruous, like mournful friends
   Berating one who died.

A Flippant and Facetious Difference (between Art and Science)

Painters experiment with colour,
Poets experiment with words,
Scientists experiment with (initially) live  rats.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Then Vanish

And so, create your desiccated heart
from blood and straw. Experiment with other
unlikely, doomed concoctions till you nearly 
chance on a remedy to fix what you've 
just broken. A lifetime's supply of salt
and air could not restore your sense of taste,
and no amount of poison, good or bad,
will bring back what you didn't know you'd lose.
You live each day like dust, and (worse) as dust. 

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Christmas List

Dear Father Christmas,

In keeping with An Age of Austerity (and Because I Am Lazy) this is a shorter list than usual, but nevertheless, please could you include the following in my stocking:

glamorous atheists calendar (2008); 
a new conspiracy theory; 
DIY arsonist kit; 
an apocalypse; 
a certain sense of smug self-satisfaction; 
John Lennon.

If it’s not too much to ask.



ps You do not exist and neither do I.

Dictionary of Foreign Words in English: A - H


après ski – the feeling of dissatisfaction after eating a low-fat yogurt

autobahn – a road which travels along itself


beau geste – an aesthetically pleasing joke

bête noir – an addiction to gambling


carpe diem – boasting about one’s new Dr Marten’s boots

cause célèbre – something which makes you famous

chic – a stylish Arab

cliché – black-and-red poster, usually found in University Halls of Residence

cognoscenti – a group of experts, usually at hating sport

cul-de-sac – enforced castration

cui bono? – literally “Who is bono?” (abbr. of “Who does Bono think he is – God? Right, let’s show him how unimportant he is by lower-casing his name, if you can call it a name.”)


danse macabre – any sort of physical movement in response to music

de facto – hard-of-hearing thespian who has problems finishing his wor(ds)

delerium tremens – one’s twenties

dramatis personae – a collection of vain, self-regarding idiots

dumkopf – a police-officer


eau de cologne – the most fragrant section of the River Rhine

en famille – lacking ceremony (or joy)

en route – lost

erratum (pl. errata) – a newspaper (pl. newspapers)

et al – an empty larder

eureka – someone who doesn’t stay long enough in the bath

ex cathedra – luxury flats with stained-glass windows

exeat – weekend on which boys whose parents live abroad discover the joys of abandonment


fatwa – a thinwa who has really let himself go

faux pas – when fighting in a civil war (e.g. adolescence) and your father is on the opposing side, he is said to be a faux pas

film noir – a film which leaves you completely in the dark, usually French

führer – a person who is always angry, usually German


garçon­ – reason for feeling suddenly panicky during Mass

gendarme – one who stands around all day smoking Gauloises and leaning on a machine gun

gravitas – someone whose BMI exceeds 30 is said to have gravitas


haiku – Japanese poetic form, popular amongst English primary school teachers, who little understand it.

halal – meat which comes from an animal killed in strict accordance with Muslim law, i.e. barbarically

haute cuisine – food which has come straight from the oven  

hoi polloi – The House of Commons

homo sapiens – a member of the early cabinet of Margaret Thatcher (a 20th Century witch)

Saturday, 7 December 2013

The Centre for Gushing Insincerity

A new report from The Self-Centre for Gushing Insincerity has suggested that actually, people really value the ideas of humility, forgiveness, and reconciliation more than a new PlayStation.
   "People are wrong to suggest that society today is characterized by rampant vanity, rapacious greed, and self-righteous fury (due to the fact that everyone else is always wrong about everything)," said a spokesdwarf.
   To show their support, a crowd of mourners set about the immolation of a passing iconoclast for not being humble, forgiving, or conciliatory enough.

Monday, 2 December 2013

Violent Jimmy

Violent Jimmy, Jimb to his mates and “Aaarrghh!” to his victims, were let out of prism like the air escaping from the nearly flat tyre of a long-abandoned bicycle, that is, without any fuss and nobody noticing.
   “Off to the DIY shop for me, oh, yes!” were him first words. Did he thought about nothing hells but the aisle of drills for the best part of eight years?
   Oh, dear me. Whatever necks?