Sunday, 28 February 2016

Song to be Sung on the Occasion of a Beloved Plutocrat Entering the Room

Fair enough,
your presence may be
as welcome as a catafalque
in a school playground,
but sometimes,
when caught in the right light,
and sometimes,
when the whisky has yet to crash my mood
into a pile of rubble 
as I cling on to my artificial happiness, 
I see you as a withered plant,
incapable of blossom.

Monday, 22 February 2016


Don't buy flat-pack stools:
there's no-one alive who needs
self-assembling shit.

Cartesian Haiku

Cartesian co-
ordinates only exist
if they think they do.


As we all know, The Beatles (Google them) created a revolution in pop music. This was immortalised in the quaintly pseudo-intellectual book ‘Revolution in the Head’. The Beatles even wrote two songs about Revolution: ‘Revolution’ and ‘Revolution No.9’ (I say ‘song’...).

But did this glorious revolution work? Did it? Look at the charts. No, it didn’t, did it? So, was it just a meaningless revolution?

Russell Brand wrote a book called ‘Revolution’, all about how our current society needs a revolution. That was 18 months ago (possibly). One would have thought that a call to revolution by the sexiest and most charismatic comedian of his generation would have been wildly successful. However, since the publication of Mr Brand’s revolutionary tome, the Conservative Party has won a majority of MPs in a General Election. There may be many outcomes to a revolution, but a Conservative Government run by members of the Bullingdon Club, generally speaking, isn’t one of them.

Did this glorious revolution work? Did it? Look at the repulsive, oleaginous face of the Prime Minister. And the entire Cabinet. It didn’t, did it? So, was it just another meaningless revolution?

St John, of New Testament fame, once ate a field full of mescaline and wrote an entire Book of Revolutions. This was 2,000 years ago, and so far, none of his revolutions has happened, not even the one involving many-headed monsters.

As these revolutions haven’t even happened yet, they must surely be the most meaningless of all the revolutions mentioned so far.

And finally, in 1917, the Bolsheviks orchestrated a Communist Revolution, and we all know how that one turned out, don’t we? Yes. If that wasn’t a meaningful revolution, then I don’t know what is.

Perhaps the Beatles, Russell Brand, and St John should have followed Lenin’s (and not Lennon’s) advice:

                         A revolution without firing squads is meaningless.

Revolutionaries please take note[1].

[1] Or, if you’re a Lenin-esque revolutionary, please take cyanide.

Thursday, 18 February 2016

terror lemons

psychotic bastard
and father of
international paranoia
josef stalin
grew lemons
throughout his
psychotic bastard life
neatly exemplifying
that pithy old
slice of wisdom:

if life gives you lemons,
a purge of all your enemies

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

being remembered

Herod –
respons. for many crimes –
but not the one
he is remembered for
i.e. the Sl. of the Innoc.
a crime so hideous
they had to make it up

if interesting facts
about KH
are what you’re after
he called his first son
nominative determinism
presumably having yet to reach
1 BCE Judea
although the fact I prefer
is that
his first wife’s name was

Sunday, 7 February 2016


I decided to become a mystic, possibly even a mystick.

Being a mystick[1] is pretty straightforward. My disciples travel from many miles away after which they get to ask me a profound question. Not, like, ‘Where’s Tesco?’ or ‘Can you spare some change for a tincture of laudanum?’ but rather, ‘What the fuck does anything mean? So far, I’ve drawn a complete blank.’

My first response is along the lines of ‘That is a beautiful question; the flame of holiness burns within you,’ or something similarly flaky .

With ego thus stroked, this spiritual journeyperson already has all the answer she wants, but I follow up with an exact answer to the question (this is where science and mystickism[2] meet), for example: ‘The answer to your question already lies within your heart; you just need to discover which aortic ventricle it’s hiding in.’

Mystick mission accomplished.

At the end, as the disciples are leaving, we all Namaste the absolute fuck out of each other.

It’s terribly spiritual.

[1] It just looks more mystical/mystickal.
[2] So that’s why they dropped the ‘k’.

Friday, 5 February 2016

Yet Another Thrilling ***Scientific*** Discovery

My eye caught this top story this morning:

'Scientists have discovered what causes Resting Bitch Face.'

Causes what?

Scientists?! As in “scientists”.

“Scientists” have discovered what causes Resting Bitch Face.’

I thought it was The Daily Mash, but no, it's from the Washington Post.

What times we live in when such thrilling scientific discoveries are made and reported in The Arts and Entertainments section.

[For those of you who haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about, the article explains that Resting Bitch Face is also known as Bitchy Resting Face.]

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

The Exclamation Mark Completes the Effect

'I’ve always had a connection to water – I’m a Pisces!'
                                        [Keen young gel who had just rowed round the world 
                                             (or something) with her chums, when asked 'Why?']

I’ve always had a connection to people’s internal organs – I’m a Cancer!

I’ve always had a connection to Bullshit – I’m a Taurus!

I’ve always had a connection to chastity – I’m a Virgo!

I’ve always had a connection to tropical fish – I’m an Aquarius!

I’ve always had a connection to 5/7 of a book-loan service – I’m a Libra!

I’ve always had a connection to tofu – I’m Sagittarian!

I’ve always had a connection to the Nazis – I’m Arian!

Tuesday, 2 February 2016

A Very Bad Smell Indeed

[Like vanishing dew,
a passing apparition
or the sudden flash
of lightning – already gone –
thus should one regard oneself]
        Ikkyu Sojun, C14th/15th

Like vanishing joy,
a  passing aberration
or the midden flush
of sewage –  all raw and  foul –
thus should one regard the Trump.
                                         Any reasonable person (2016)

Monday, 1 February 2016


(With name like that was
just matter of time before

Plays for Chelsea, then
Everton; spends winter of
career in haiku.


To learn how to die
watch cherry blossoms, observe
–  Anonymous, c.1700

Learn how not to live:
play with your ipad, listen
to Radio One
                         –         Some old cynic or other, c. 1st Feb 2016