Guru 1

‘Inside every one of us, there is the Light of God,’

says the Guru.

‘What if you’re mistaken, and it’s actually a light-bulb?

I ask/suggest.

‘Good point,’ says the Guru.

‘I hadn’t thought of that. 

Inside every one of you,’ he continues,

‘there is a light-bulb,’

‘Hang on,’ I interrupt (again).

‘Are we talking here about an actual light-bulb,

or a light-bulb of the mind?'

‘Yes,’ replies the Guru.

‘It wasn’t a yes or no question,’ I counter,

somewhat peevishly.

‘But it was a yes or no answer,’

explains the Guru.

I can’t argue with this,

and I decide to let him carry on.

‘Inside every one of us,’ says the Guru, guardedly,

looking at me with his smile

which I can’t tell is real or imaginary,

‘blah, blah, blah, whatever, things,

spirituality, etc., etc., like a wave

on the ocean of the Universe’s Consciousness, waffle,

waffle, waffle, God/Godhead/Ego,

intuition, the Age of Aquarius, or was it Incurious?

la-de-da, peace of mind, eschew possessions, or,

in the case of a dog, chew them,

mumble, mumble, mutter,  

there’ll be a hat passed round at the end, 

calmness, hushness, thisness, stillness, peace,

your karma suggests you lend me a tenner

which will be paid back in the next life, 

leaves, breezes, clouds, God-stuff,

inner something-or-other,

love, bish-bash-bosh!

Enlightenment at two o’clock.’

He doesn’t really say any of these things,

and I curse my habit of never listening when people talk.

What if I’ve just missed hearing the meaning of life,

or the purpose of existence,

or the essence of truth,

which will sustain me for the rest of my days?

‘...and so you see,’ the Guru’s words

intrude on my thoughts, ‘that is the way of things.’

A big Oh, I see now! noise escapes

from the collective audience (minus one).

An aide to the Guru stands and walks towards the microphone.

‘We have time for a couple of questions.’

Immediately, I put my hand in the air.

‘Yes,’ he says, and, with an irony he is unaware of, 

‘if you could speak so that everyone can hear you.’

‘Okay,’ I say, ‘Did anyone catch any of that on their phone?’ I ask.

‘Only, I wasn’t listening.’