Monday, 18 March 2019


For my showstopper on ‘Unheard-of Poets: Bake Off Special’, I choreographed (you have to have dance in a ‘showstopper’, surely? Otherwise, what kind of show is it?) a dozen meringues dancing to a specially commissioned song (which the composer, me, called ‘Let’s All Bake Paul Hollywood, Literally’). Getting the meringues to the right exterior crunch/interior chewiness is usually the tricky part with baking these things, but for this showstopper, it was getting the meringues to co-ordinate their dance moves with their singing (fact: harder than it sounds).

Culinarily, the meringues could best be described as ‘less than satisfactory, even for a gimmicky version of this show’ (this said by a rather defensive Mr Hollywood, who was probably still reeling from the unflattering chorus about his general air of smugness/creepiness), but the singing and dancing were surprisingly adequate (‘by meringue musical theatre standards’ – apparently).

Henceforth, I shall choreograph all of my kitchen creations to original compositions. My vegan ballroom-dancing (cha-cha-cha) shepherd’s pie (word and music, ‘I Saw My Sheep Come Sailing By’, by self) is coming along particularly well.

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