This Week’s Horrorscope

Leo: Nothing ever lasts forever, even goods which come with a three-year guarantee to break after three years. There may be a beginning or an ending and people who are powerful make decisions. Firm buttocks never won fair maiden. You will take part in a riot.

Virgo: Even when things get tough, some things are easy. All the world loves and hat-stand and Wednesday’s will be no different, especially if spelt without one wrong letter. Jesus left my bag in San Francisco. You will take part in a riot.

Libra: Walking is often good for you, unless you’re in a minefield or next to the edge of a cliff. Change occurs in the most unexpected of places and last week’s boxing match was no exception. Show them who’s boss even if it isn’t you. All this way for a free milk-free milkshake. You will take part in a riot.

Scorpio: Most people believe in fairies and that you should never punch a policeman unless there’s one of him and about seven of you and your mates. Jam comes in a variety of sizes. Hello, goodbye. You will take part in a riot.

Sagittarius: It is cloudy and clear, like lemonade or lemonade. That’s life, as your mother used to say; and Churchill. There is comfort in the safety of a budgerigar. Left-wing politics infuriate former socialists. You will take part in a riot.

Capricorn: Some people are Nazis, others are witch doctors; some people make soup for a living and other people set fire to carpet stores when the batteries run out on their gameboy. Relax. Don’t eat wasps. Free haircuts for every fish. You will take part in a riot.

Aquarius: What did you dream of last night? A woman enters a museum in Germany and discovers that everyone has to wear an extra pair of underpants in order to be admitted. The vegetable stock market grazes its knee. Dandelions grew in my back yard, which was a forty-acre estate. You will take part in a riot.

Pisces: What sort of pet did you order? The holiday of a lifetime appears to you in a vision sent by St Paul of the Immaculate Manbag. It doesn’t often happen to people wearing a safety harness. Inimitable wave sounds emanate from the back of beyond. Toothpaste decays. You will take part in a riot.

Aries: It would seem that nothing is ever perfect, but have you seen a picture of Harry and Kate’s wedding cake? It is a bad idea, but not always, as you well know from past lack of experience. Teaspoons come at a hefty price. You find divisions divisive, especially if divided by diverse diving divers. You will take part in a riot.

Taurus: Irritation, anger, frustration, annoyance, nausea, bankability, destruction, irrelevance, yellow, horse-and-cart, Mrs Simpson, cataracts, shiboleths, behemoths, mannequins, womannequins, laughter, impulsivity. Lists of words. You will take part in a riot.

Gemini: Important things are important and sometimes imported, like rice or lentils. You don’t always swim in the sea, if you catch my drift. Weak puns alert an alert mind to a weak intellect. Avoid Tuesdays. Lever-arch files make lousy motorway flyovers. You will take part in a riot.

Cancer: Don’t you sometimes? We all do, if we’re honest, and Saturday will be no exception when you are shot in the head by a catalyst. Give up smoking. Wear too much make-up. Admit that you are wrong, even about George Clooney. Wallpaper your car in a different direction. You will take part in a riot.

(from this week’s guest publication, “The Tottenham Advertiser”)