Literally No Thinking Puzzles

Fans of the idiotic love a good “Literally No Thinking Puzzle” (OED definition: a brain-teaser for people with no brain). Here, then, is a selection which I have spent many, many minutes collecting and which I guarantee will keep you amused, entertained and bored to indifference for literally seconds.

1. A man walks into a bar. What happens next?

Clue: Ah, but does it?

I love this one, don’t you?

2. Two goldfish. Or maybe three. What are they called?

Clue: *sharp intake of breath* Not sure you’ll need one for this… !

The simple ones are the best, don’t you think?!!

3. A policeman walks into the library with a sabre-toothed tiger tattooed onto the inside of his left eye-lid (life-sized). When the librarian asks for his library card, he laughs and leaves. Why?

Clue: Give up now.

Aren’t we having fun?!!!

4. A cowboy rides into town on Friday, spends one day there and leaves on Sunday. His horse is called Friday. How hard would you like to punch the twatting imbecile who considered that this was an entertaining puzzle and not simply a bland and facile pun?

Clue: Mike Tyson.

You just can’t be bored with these?!!?

5. An Abyssinian monk gives up injecting himself with camomile tea for Lent. The next thing he knows – he’s in a lateral thinking puzzle. What colour?

Clue: Rainbow-shaped martian armchair.

Bacon not slurred!!!

6. A Jew, an Irishman and a Sikh are working on a building site discussing various aspects of their faith. Which one was the most racist about Chinese restaurants?

Clue: Think about how they were sitting…

This one’s loads of fun!!!?

7. The President of the USA accidentally presses the big red button. There is only one thing he can say which will prevent the nuclear annihilation of the human race. What is it?

Clue: No there isn’t.

Sometimes they’re very serious. Hmmm *scratches chin meaningfully*.

8. A quantum physicist and an aeroplane designer are sitting on a beach holding hands. How do you know which one is gay?

Clue: Ask one of them for a shag?!!?

No comment.

9. A bowl of pot pourri is lying on the floor, scattered. Next to the delicately fragranced petals is a note from a clown. What key is the note in: A minor or Bb Major?

Clue: Arpeggios.

Yawn.

10. A dwarf cannot reach the lift button for his top floor apartment and he has to take the stairs unless it’s raining and he can use his umbrella. If you thought this was clever, are you?

Clue: No.

This one’s SO clever, isn’t it?!

11. Seven-and-a-half penguins outwit one giant panda. If there had been only six-and-five-eighths penguins, the giant panda would have outwitted the penguins. What season was it?

Clue: Well, der!!??

See? Endless fun.

12. The King of Dixieland proclaims that the number 13 is unlucky and outlaws it. Within days, everything has become “slightly 13” around the edges. Why is it that only the fire-brigade can solve this problem?

Clue: Rapid Vienna.

Drums fingers on table impatiently whilst pretending to be impressed.

13. And finally, a man with a stupid name claims that he has “invented” lateral thinking (look it up). His name is Edward de Bono. People with the word “Bono” in their name are monumentally arrogant – the question is: surely bonobo?

Clue: Mullet hair “style” at Live Aid and he thought he could ever be cool?!!!?

ZZZZZzzzzzzzz……