Voices

The last in a long line of imbeciles, the sixth son of a seventh daughter of a ninth cousin of a fifth Earl of a second-hand bookshop of a third of all debt of a tenth commandment of a Forth Bridge (eh?) of a first amendment of a sixth form of a table by a table from a table, well, you get the idea, Heard Voices for a Living. This qualified him to start his own religion, which all sorts of people followed on account of the costumes and promises. And the name: The Church of Hi-Fidelity.

            The dyspeptics had a good laugh at their naïveté and carried on wringing their hands at all the nastiness.

            Meanwhile, the members of The Church of Hi-Fidelity carried on being faithful to their record players, the central tenet of the Church, as laid down by their founder, Kenneth Chinook-Helicopter.

            Having served his term for an indecent act with a garden fence, Kenneth Chinook-Helicopter had followed the Voices down to the last letter in the hope that, as well as providing the key to salvation through their ten new commandments, they would also provide the whereabouts of Kenneth Chinook-Helicopter’s teaspoons. This is what the Voices inside Kenneth Chinook-Helicopter’s head said:

            I am the Voice inside Kenneth-Chinook Helicopter’s head. I am the only Voice inside Kenneth-Chinook Helicopter’s head, apart from the other voices. Here’s the plan:

1. Don’t make any models of the Voice (how could you anyway?).
2. Don’t try and copy the Voice.
3. Remember your record players and keep them in good condition.
4. Honour your vinyl collection.
5. Do not get rid of no longer fashionable records.
6. Do play with other people’s record players.
7. Do not pretend to like music you don’t like just to be cool.
8. Do not diss other people’s taste in music.
9. Do not wish for other people’s record collections.
10. Do not wish for other people’s record players.

Having distributed the new ten commandments, Kenneth Chinook-Helicopter still found himself bereft of teaspoons. It was at this point that his ex-wife stormed into his Church brandishing the teaspoons, which she had long since reclaimed from Uri Geller’s orphanage for teaspoons. “Come back, Kenneth!” she demanded. “I don’t care if you do love a garden fence; I forgive you!”

            Kenneth Chinook-Helicopter, The Man Who Heard Voices for a Living, was overwhelmed.

            “Do you like Duran Duran?” he asked.

            “No?” she replied.

            “Apostate!” screamed Kenneth Chinook-Helicopter. “Get out of my Voices’ house!”

            How much easier it would have been to have been a simple seventh son of a seventh son, said the Voice inside Kenneth Chinook-Helicopter’s head. However, you have passed my test and, once you're in heaven, you will be rewarded with seventy-two virgin teaspoons.