Aeroplane

Unconscious Pilot, having washed his hands of all responsibility for flying the big metal ’plane, went to pilfer the Duty-Free, drank a litre of Johnny Walker Black Label and lived up to his name. “That’s nominal determinism for you,” he mumbled, just as the ’plane was about to crash into the side (or, hang on, was it the front?) of Quite a Large Mountain. The auto-pilot failed to notice this impending disaster as he was playing with himself. “That’s nominal determinism for you,” said the in-flight entertainment system.

            The side (but which side?) of Quite a Large Mountain, having once played in defence for Manchester United, “shimmied” out of the way, thus preventing the unnecessary and pointless death of all of the passengers on the big metal ’plane.

            Pontius Pirate, who had hijacked the ’plane during the shimmy (“That’s nominal determinism for you” thought an astute reader), landed the ’plane successfully on an ice-rink in Norbury, where it pirouetted gracefully to a standstill, thus winning “Celebrity Emergency ’Plane Crash Landing on Ice” with Her From the Telly.