Wednesday, 20 April 2011

The Mozart Effect

Misandria Bonetti locked herself away in a room.
            She listened to Mozart. On a loop.
            Misandria Benotti, having decided to change her surname in order to confuse her stalkers, listened to Mozart because she had heard of the Mozart Effect. The Mozart Effect was this: if you listened to Mozart you became more intelligent. That was the Mozart Effect.
            Misandria Bettoni listened to Mozart for a month: concertos, string quartets, opera; all the number ones. She waited for the Mozart Effect to take effect.
            After a month of listening to Mozart, here is what Misandria Bientot still didn’t understand: E=mc2, the second law of thermodynamics, question 3 of the 1982 Chemistry A’Level paper, footballers’ salaries, how to make a soufflé, the difference between ‘aims’ and ‘objectives', cars, men, the phases of the moon, why an apple has gravity, religious belief, the Russian alphabet, the life-cycle of the cicada, left-handed tablecloths, Welsh comedians, mime, and everything else which she hadn’t understood before listening to Mozart for a month in search of the Mozart Effect.
            After a month of listening to Mozart on a loop waiting for the Mozart Effect to take place, Misandria Bonetti had learned one thing. The one thing she had learned was this: Mozart is a bit samey.