Peak

I sometimes wonder how much more ridiculous

this life could get. Perhaps we’ve reached the peak of

absurdity already and I didn’t

notice. Is someone, somewhere, terrified

of toothpaste? Has the world of fashion finally

caved in and made a range called Emperor’s Clothes?

Did Spain elect a pomegranate for

its new Prime Minister? Has the Pope

declared himself to be an octopus?

I do not follow telly, so I wouldn’t know.

‘Hello, and welcome to Mindless TV.

Today we ask, “Is arson valid as

an artform?” and meet the man who says

that setting fire to other people’s houses

prevented him from following a life

of crime. We hear about a woman suing

her mum and dad for giving her a balanced

childhood. The alienation caused has been

disastrous to her mental health, she claims.

But first, it’s competition time, where you’ve

a chance to win The Royal Albert Hall.

Simply complete this sentence: “Life is worthless

because…” and tweet it on our twitter feed.

The most banal reply will win this marvellous,

iconic building, if hasn’t been

stolen, that is. And now, because it’s Daffodil

Remembrance Day, we have a moment’s silence to

remember all the daffodils who lost

their lives in conflicts old and new; and not

just daffodils, but every flowering species

who never found their way back home from war.

It’s over to Samantha now, who has the weather.

Samantha…’ Where is anyone supposed

to keep the weather? In their hands? Their pockets?

And have these people never heard of windows?

What effect do you think you have upon

this world? You watch your television and

the bad things vanish; post your eighty-seventh

denunciation of the Trump online

and suddenly he’s not a fool; preoccupy

yourself with things you can’t control, and waste

your life. There is no point to life, if all

you do is point. We’re all ridiculous.

We’re all the world and everything that’s in it,

and everything has long since been a game to show off

how perfect we all are. Don’t fool yourself.

The past person left the building long ago,

forgot to turn the lights out, and booby-trapped

existence. We’ve been paying for it ever since.

What do I mean? Really? It doesn’t matter.