Sunday, 5 February 2012

A Reading from the Book of Charlatans

And so it was in the days of austerity when people could only afford one of everything: one foreign holiday a year, one car, one fridge, one house, one central heating, one television in every room, one wardrobeful of clothes and shoes; yea, even unto only one carbon footprint (smirk). And in those days, Fortescue Poshvoice was leader of the Nation of Righteous and Just Complaining Miserablists, with his Government of all the Millionaires.
            He spoke to his people.
            And this is what he said.
            And these are the words he spoke.
            “I say, chaps. What with all the bank thingy and stuff, we need to make do with less, don’tchernow?”
            But they didn’t know.
            “Right, well, okay; this is a bit tricky, I know, but basically, guys, um, we like totally need to stop wage inflation whilst simultaneously presiding over a massive increase in actual inflation, yar? It’s raaaaally tough, but you’re all in this mess together.”
            And the people thought that this was hardly fair coming from a Government of all the Millionaires, and Poshvoice feared for his position. He called his advisors together. “Maybe I should, like, start a war with Argentina or something? It worked for St. Hilda of Childkiller.”
            But his advisors suggested a different and more radical strategy.

Thus it was that Fortescue Poshvoice changed his name to The Dahlia Donkhey, and paraded on the steps outside 10, Rightwing Street dressed in an orange and purple robe, and sporting a shaved head, some unfeasibly big spectacles and a benign smile.
            And he spoke.
            And this is what he said.
            And these are the words he spoke.
“The world is too materialistic. Mankind is driven by an insatiable desire for vast possessions. By the way chaps, I’m now totally spiritual and stuff. We are not just materialistic creatures and happiness does not come from possessions alone.”
“When you put it like that,” said his people, “it all suddenly makes sense.”
“One last thing,” said The Dahlia Donkhey. “Personal debt is virtuous.”

And they celebrated with a war against Argentina and lots of young men died and he ruled for a thousand years and more and they made him a God, because there clearly weren’t enough of those already.

The Dahlia Llama is richer than you.

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