Sunday, 30 October 2011

An Extreme Case of the Vampires

It was all very well and good being immortal, possessing devilish good looks and killer charm, but century after century pursuing the ideal vampire lifestyle had led to boredom for Nautilus, son of Vlad; and besides, of late, he had developed squeamishness.
Having bought the latest self-help book and hypnotic CD, “I Can Make You Want to Be a Vampire Again”, to deal with his unfortunate psychosomatic aberration regarding a certain fluid, Nautilus, son of Vlad, waited to be similarly struck by inspiration for how to deal with the tedium of infinity.
The answer arrived one morning at three of the vampire clock via the “Discover Something Useless Which You Could Have Read in a Book” Channel; it was a programme about “Extreme Ironing”, which followed the exploits of similarly bored housewives, who had given up the day job, so to speak, in order to iron their laundry in a succession of stupid and dangerous places: on top of a mountain; in the middle of a street in the Helmand Province; in a Year 9 citizenship lesson.
This simple and dim-witted programme represented an epiphany for the jaded Nautilus, son of Vlad.
Revitalized, if that’s not too much of an oxymoron for a vampire, Nautilus, son of Vlad, set about thinking of suitable situations in which he could do some extreme vampiring.
Thus it was that he found himself biting maidens’ pretty white necks in a variety of locations which had little or even nothing to do with gothic castles: on top of a speeding TGV train in France; whilst waterskiing on the Dead Sea at midnight; whilst out hunting for sharks off the Isle of Wight (some girls proved very gullible); even backstage at “Strictly Come Dancing”. It was all very rewarding, and what with the planning required to pull off such vampiric stunts, Nautilus worked out that this little ruse could keep him busy for at least the next two hundred years; and with the planet’s population hitting the 7 billion mark, he was, so he told himself, simply being environmentally friendly.
News of Nautilus’s extreme escapades eventually reached the pointed and very clean ears of the wider Vampire Community… and caught on, leading to a craze for extreme vampiring which is still gathering pace.

So, all you fair maidens out there this Hallowe'en, when some devilishly handsome and fatally charming young man asks you out on a date to go bungee jumping from the Clifton Suspension Bridge at three o’clock in the morning, you may want to check his dental records before accepting.

1 comment:

  1. 'and with the planet’s population hitting the 7 billion mark, he was, so he told himself, simply being environmentally friendly'

    Ha! This made me laugh out loud!