The Clangers' Final Shoot

The Clangers are on a cigarette break.

One is fretting over the next scene’s dialogue.

‘I’m not sure exactly what the writer is trying to say here,’

he says, but his disinterested co-stars are not listening;

they have heard this particular Clanger overthink dialogue

before the shooting of every scene of the series so far.

Another Clanger has refused to succumb

to the temptation of a cigarette –

Clangers are inveterate smokers

and the air in Green Room could not have been more thick

had the Soup Dragon been holding forth –

for he has recently returned from a trip to LA

where he had attended a workshop on method acting

and he is determined to stay in role.

‘This is killing me,’ he thinks, but in Clangerese.

Some Clangers are having their make-up reapplied,

or are rehearsing the next scene’s lines,

oblivious to the plaintive cries of, ‘Yes, but what are you actually saying?’

from the aforementioned worry-Clanger,

and the remaining few are talking anxiously about their next jobs,

having heard rumours that the current series is the last.

Dave is hoping that they get the next ‘For Mash Get Smash’ gig –

‘Those robots are nowhere near as memorable as us!’;

Alan and Jeff are auditioning for a pantomime double-act –

‘Although, to be honest, the punchlines

are remarkably similar to the set-ups!’;

but Benny is trying out a guest-slot for a Radio 4 show –

‘They say it could be a job for life if it goes well!’

he chirps to anyone with ears, the general response being,

‘Sorry, Barry, but you haven’t a clue about this game.’

They’ll have ample time to reflect upon this 

later in the year, when they will find themselves 

stacking the shelves of their local supermarket.