Lost Flyers

The advertising noticeboard inside

a local shop displays its homemade flyers

appealing to the public. ‘Have you seen

this dog?’ reads one.  ‘A much-loved family pet;

was last seen leaving Barclays Bank about

a week ago, armed with a shotgun; answers

to Billy Knuckles (may have had a cat

accomplice – doesn’t answer to the name

of Psycho Cattus Est, but you can try).

Reward: two hundred grand in counterfeit

fifty-pound notes; a guarantee of witness

protection.’ ‘Have you seen this horse?’ another

asks. ‘It’s a horse. Last seen hobbling at Aintree

two weeks ago: tall, male, horsey, three-legged

(the other one is wooden); suffers from

an allergy to whips – leather and walnut;

likes fences; is a horse. New information

which leads us to our Horse (the horse’s name

is Horse) will get you a cast-iron tip for

the three-fifteen at Kempton Park (please don’t

send tins of dog-food; it isn’t funny).’

The board is full of similar requests

for vigilance: ‘a worthless family heirloom’;

‘looks like a duck; walks like a duck; quacks’;

‘do not approach – he may be packing heat’;

and at the bottom of the board, a barely

legible scrawl, written in tears and blood: ‘LOST!

One Brexit referendum; property

of Brussels; please return (no cash reward).’