The late Pope John Paul II (now St John Paul the Great, Patron Saint of Hairdryers) resurrected the papal vogue for canonising people (this has nothing to do with snooker).
He was right to do so: there is still much Patron-Saintlessness in the world/nonsense in my head, and they clearly both need Patron Saintifying. Many saints, like St Anthony of Padua, already have four departments dealing with intercessions (where does St A of P find the time you ask? Simple – he’s the patron saint of travellers, and, as every catechist will tell you, this includes time-travellers).
Generous-hearted individual that I am, I have saved the current Pope a whole load of time and effort and written up a list not only of new saints but also the departments for which they are responsible. I’ll only feature the top ten; you can probably guess the rest.
Take it away St Miscellaneous, Patron Saint of Unnecessary Lists:
St Miraculous – Patron Saint of Leicester City FC
St Anonymous – Patron Saint of Nondescript People;
and also Failed Poets
St Tarquin-have-no-Chin – Patron Saint of the Entitled Minor Aristocracy
St Calamitous – Patron Saint of American Politics
St Posthumous – Patron Saint of the Labour Party
St Vacuana – Patron Saint of Heat Magazine;
and All Other Gossip Magazines
St Buffet-the-Hunger-Slayer – Patron Saint of All You Can Eat for a Fiver.
St Erroneous – Patron Saint of People You Disagree With/
People With Whom You Disagree
St Coward of Custard – Patron Saint of Keyboard Warriors Whose Online
Moniker is Justice Warrior 999, but whose Actual
Moniker is Colin Tremble
St Fergus of Nowhere Fast – Patron Saint of Silly, Silly, Silly
NB Not to be confused with a Patron Stain – a person who is a stain on humanity and shouldn’t be a patron of anything, even if it has his name on it e.g. Tony Blair is the Patron Stain of the Tony Blair for God Foundation.