Ultimate Bed Hair II

We play the latest virtual reality

sensation: Ultimate Bed Hair II,

and start off with the 1950s level.

You make a quite phenomenal arrangement:

Wind Tunnel Elvis Presley Singing ‘Blue

Suede Shoes’. The world has never seen a quiff

so catastrophic, and you progress to

the 1960’s level with a bonus brush.

By contrast, my Hungover Frank Sinatra

scores poorly, and I feel lucky to join you.

Your Marilyn Monroe on Any Given

Morning turns out to be a stroke of genius.

I come back strongly with Bob Dylan

After a Coughing Fit. The 70s

await. You choose Progressive Rock on Acid,

a style so vague you don’t move up a level.

John Lydon Wakes Up from a Nightmare Where

He Had to Sing ‘God Save the Queen’ with Paul

McCartney gets the highest score so far,

and wins me bonus shoulder pads, with which

any monstrous 80s bed hair style

would surely give me too much of a lead

for you to catch. My Margaret Thatcher

Mauled at the Labour Party Conference scores

far less than I had hoped, while you, still stuck

a decade back, create Members of the Band

Van Der Graaf Generator with their Hands

on an Actual Van der Graaf Generator.

The score for this is stratospheric, so

we check online and learn that nobody

has ever won so many points in just

one go. An Almost Drowned Simon le Bon

extends your lead. With my Chris Morris Wig

Attacked by Mail on Sunday Journalists,

I make some inroads, but your next creation,

George Michael Smoking Weed Crashes His Car,

incurs a massive penalty on grounds

of poor taste, and I find myself with half

a chance. An Ageing Punk Forgets to Use

Hair Gel sees me almost level with

your score. The final round will be decisive.

As you are in the lead, you get to choose

the order of play for this round of rounds,

decide to go first, and double whammy me

with Donald Trump and Boris Johnson Fight.

I can’t see any coming back from this,

and, knowing that I’ve surely lost, I make

a lateral move, and simply write Post-Brexit Hair.

We hear the strains of Morrissey’s obscure

b-side, Hairdresser on Fire, and it’s over:

I’ve somehow won. Conceding your

surprise defeat with grace, you load the new

latest virtual reality sensation

into the games console: Ultimate Wardrobe

Malfunction III, Lenny Kravitz Edition.