We play the latest virtual reality
sensation: Ultimate Bed Hair II,
and start off with the 1950s level.
You make a quite phenomenal arrangement:
Wind Tunnel Elvis Presley Singing ‘Blue
Suede Shoes’. The world has never seen a quiff
so catastrophic, and you progress to
the 1960’s level with a bonus brush.
By contrast, my Hungover Frank Sinatra
scores poorly, and I feel lucky to join you.
Your Marilyn Monroe on Any Given
Morning turns out to be a stroke of genius.
I come back strongly with Bob Dylan
After a Coughing Fit. The 70s
await. You choose Progressive Rock on Acid,
a style so vague you don’t move up a level.
John Lydon Wakes Up from a Nightmare Where
He Had to Sing ‘God Save the Queen’ with Paul
McCartney gets the highest score so far,
and wins me bonus shoulder pads, with which
any monstrous 80s bed hair style
would surely give me too much of a lead
for you to catch. My Margaret Thatcher
Mauled at the Labour Party Conference scores
far less than I had hoped, while you, still stuck
a decade back, create Members of the Band
Van Der Graaf Generator with their Hands
on an Actual Van der Graaf Generator.
The score for this is stratospheric, so
we check online and learn that nobody
has ever won so many points in just
one go. An Almost Drowned Simon le Bon
extends your lead. With my Chris Morris Wig
Attacked by Mail on Sunday Journalists,
I make some inroads, but your next creation,
George Michael Smoking Weed Crashes His Car,
incurs a massive penalty on grounds
of poor taste, and I find myself with half
a chance. An Ageing Punk Forgets to Use
Hair Gel sees me almost level with
your score. The final round will be decisive.
As you are in the lead, you get to choose
the order of play for this round of rounds,
decide to go first, and double whammy me
with Donald Trump and Boris Johnson Fight.
I can’t see any coming back from this,
and, knowing that I’ve surely lost, I make
a lateral move, and simply write Post-Brexit Hair.
We hear the strains of Morrissey’s obscure
b-side, Hairdresser on Fire, and it’s over:
I’ve somehow won. Conceding your
surprise defeat with grace, you load the new
latest virtual reality sensation
into the games console: Ultimate Wardrobe
Malfunction III, Lenny Kravitz Edition.