Shop-Bought Child

Plastic smile.

Glass-eyed windows –

absent soul.

Meaning drained –

string-pulled phrases.

Cut hair can’t grow back.

Pinocchio reversed

played the part of

some unborn child.

Human/Doll.

*of

I write a text for my wife.

Thinking if you… I read, but only after having pressed ‘SEND’.

(I clearly only proofread texts to my wife after I have sent them.)

Thinking if you… what, though? I thought.

Thinking if you... could proofread my texts for me before I send them?

Thinking if you... are as careless as I am when texting?

(No.)

Thinking if you... remembered how haphazard and absent-minded I can be,

‘cos if not: here’s a reminder.

Reflecting on the infinite variety of language

I realise that Thinking if you... could be completed in an infinity of ways.

Thinking if you... are dancing around your classroom like the ballerina you once were.

Possible.

Thinking if you... are marking books.

Almost certain.

Thinking if you...are secretly a fox.

Now I’m just being silly.

I don’t send these thoughts of her.

Instead, I send her the rather more prosaic:

*of.

Leaving now

She replies, a few minutes later.

Sage journey

I reply.

Potatoes Done 47 Ways

potatoes with sunshine

grieving potatoes

silent potatoes

talentless potatoes

chewy potatoes

potatoes on the cob

potato jam

vodka-infused potatoes

kiss-of-death potatoes

potatoes in a lift

mind-reading potatoes

much-vaunted potatoes

poached potatoes

laughable potatoes

potatoes Marseillaise (with horn section and timpani)

potatoes for beginners

forbidden potatoes

potatoes nouvelle riche

vending-machine potatoes

potatoes camouflaged as rocks

overly elaborate potatoes

too many potatoes  

potato-in-a-basket

baked Alaska potatoes

minimalist potatoes

potatoes cor Anglais

water divining potatoes

jellied potatoes

crispy, roast, blow-torched and incinerated potatoes

indifferent potatoes

potatoes kleptomaniac

peppermint potatoes

Godforsaken potatoes

hated potatoes

Panzer Division potatoes

excommunicated potatoes

potatoes done medium rare

freethinking potatoes

catastrophe potatoes

potatoes à la pommes de terre

potatoes ooh-la-la!

potatoes quelle surprise

Grade 8 piano potatoes

potatoes in a jar

old potatoes

no potatoes

Served with chips

When auditioning for MasterChef

I prepared a starter of moustaches done three ways:

Hitler. Stalin. Porn.

For the main course, I prepared my signature dish:

Fergus McGonigal

written in milky veal blood on a rectangular plate; a salad of inedible flowers; and potatoes done 47 ways.

For pudding, a deconstructed novel.

Hay smoked foreword. Sous vide chapters. Blurb custard, spelling out the words:

I hope you’re happy now.

Handbaggage

Big sis.

studying

‘Imp. Of Being Earnest’

Eng. Lit. O’Level.

‘Lose one parent? Unfortch.

Two? Carelessness’.

Adoptive parents,

three natural children:

much laughter.

Me?

Careless.