Democrazzzzz.......

Every few years, some of us in the UK vote in the 650 Members of Parliament for its Lower House: the House of Common Criminals, Pathological Liars and Slimy Bastards. The team with the most Common Criminals, Pathological Liars and Slimy Bastards then forms a Government and spends the next few years doing whatever they want: making laws, interfering with our money and resigning over serious errors of judgement with regard to rent boys, secretaries or forgetting which house is your main house. When the time comes for another vote we either vote them out or vote them back in.

It is, of course, a whole lot more complicated than that.

After all, we also have an Upper House: the House of Lording It Up Over the Lower Orders. Most of these 800 or so people are chosen by various Governments over the years, although 92 of them are there because their ancestor once sat on a horse watching hoi polloi beat Napoleon at Waterloo. We don’t know who they are. Also, once we’ve had enough of them, every few years, we don’t get to vote them out and everything carries on as normal.

Which sounds a bit rum, until you realise that the House of Lording It Up Over the Lower Orders only exists for the purposes of claiming expenses and talking when nobody’s listening. They are largely irrelevant.

Now, if you send this through the Looking Glass, you will end up with a European Parliament.

Every few years, some of us in Europe vote for the 751 Members of the European Parliament for its Upper House, The European Pretend Parliament. This sounds a bit rum, until you realise that the 751 Members of the European Pretend Parliament only exist for the purposes of claiming expenses and talking when nobody’s listening. They are largely irrelevant.

It is, of course, a little more complicated than that.

After all, we also have an Executive Body (surely the Lower House, no?) the European Commission of Failed Politicians, of which there are 27. All of these 27 Failed Politicians are banished to the European Commission by their Governments, and we don’t know who they are. They spend the next few years doing whatever they want: making laws, interfering with our money but definitely not resigning over serious errors of judgement with regard to rent boys, secretaries or forgetting which house is your main house, etc., because that’s how they became an EU Commissioner in the first place. Also, once we’ve had enough of them, every few years, we don’t get to vote them out and everything carries on as normal.

Which sounds a bit rum... because it is.