Reflection on Watching a Wall of Slowly Drying Paint

Fun,

It ain’t.

Slowly Drying Paint

I took an antique time-piece to pieces:

unscrewed all screws, released all springs, and laid

out every coil and cog together on

the kitchen table. Time stripped bare. Time stilled.

At which point even I began to think

that this was fast in danger of descending

into a sort of nonsense whimsy posing

as deep, profound, insightful wisdom. That,

it ain’t, but rather something more prosaic.

And thus it was that I went to write a poem

about a wall of slowly drying paint.

http://fergusthepoet.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/slowly-drying-paint.html

Another Brian Cox

Brian Cox looks to the camera, utters a softly-spoken thought of great profundity about humanity’s place in the universe and then falls off the edge of a cliff.

   ‘Cut!’ shouts the director. ‘Can we have another Brian Cox, please?’

   A junior research assistant promptly goes to the Brian Cox Room, where they keep the spare Brian Coxes. The assistant knocks before popping her head through the door.

   ‘We need another Brian,’ she says to the 307 assembled Brian Coxes.

   ‘What was it this time?’ asks one. ‘A volcano? A manhole? A black hole?’

   ‘Cliff,’ whispers the assistant.

   ‘Third one this series,’ says another Brian Cox, as he walks towards the assistant, hand outstretched. ‘Brian Cox,’ he says, by way of introduction, ‘although you probably knew that already.’

   ‘If you’d like to follow me,’ says the assistant, once the introduction is over.

   Brian Cox and the assistant walk towards the cliff edge, where they are met by the impatient director. ‘Brian, we need to re-do the shot. You fell off the cliff as the last word was coming out and it sounded very post-watershed.’

   Brian Cox utters a softly-spoken apology of great sincerity before asking what it was that he was saying. ‘Some shit about humanity’s place in the universe,’ replies the director.

   ‘Oh, right,’ says Brian Cox. ‘Do we need to do the shot next to a cliff?’ he asks.

   ‘You tell me,’ sighs the director, wearily. ‘You wrote the bloody thing.’

  

                                                              *

Brian Cox looks to the camera, utters a softly-spoken thought of great profundity about humanity’s place in the universe before jumping on to his Yamaha DX7 and snowboarding into a tree.

amateur heart surgeon

amateur heart surgeon

charged:

seven manslaughters

says

‘completely preposterous

patients can’t expected

100% survival rate

all can say is

if had lived

hundred fifty

years go

would all 

dead now

not just seven’

bail denied

amateur heart surgeon

stands in dock

at

amateur trial

where amateur jury

find

manslaughter: not guilty

amateurishness: guilty

amateur judge

hands down

amateur sentence:

two our fathers

one hail mary

everlasting life

Today’s ‘To Do’ List

1 Write today’s ‘To Do’ list

2 Get distracted

3 Misplace ‘To Do’ List

4 Bake banana and chocolate chip cake to take up to son at university

5 Eat banana and chocolate chip cake intended for son at university

6 Text said son ‘This morning I baked a banana and chocolate chip cake for you’

7 Receive text from son thanking me for being ‘such a sharing kinda Dad’

8 Drive to shops to buy ingredients for banana and chocolate chip cake only to realise that car has been left at home (which will at least explain some, if not all, of the shouting in the street)

9 Return home to get car

10 Drive to shops (yes, in actual car, obviously) to buy ingredients for banana and chocolate chip cake

11 See no.4

12 See no.5 (nah – only kidding!) Leave banana and chocolate chip cake to cool

13 Do houseworky stuff until house no longer resembles stunt double for ‘How Clean – for want of a better word – is Your House?’

14 Find today’s ‘To Do’ list and notice that all of the things on it have been done exactly in the order and in the manner described*.

*What do you mean, ‘That’s a bit of a weird list’?

amateur formula 1

amateur f1

bad press

due to

628 car pile up

on m25

venue for

amateur f1

gb grand prix

said organisers

‘no idea m25

so busy

friday 4.30 pm

thought most people

still at work

planned deal with

small volume traffic

by flashing lights

get out of effing way’

this year’s winning car

amateur f1 xr3i

said winner

‘amateur f1 cars

normal cars but

i think i’m a f1 racing driver

stencilled

on side

in orange crayon’

plans ban amateur f1

‘clear infringement civil liberties’

jeremy arseson

elsewhere ukip councillor

‘628 car pile up

result too many immigrants

also god’s judgment

not banning

foreign shit

beards curry french names’ 

Harry Potter’s Cloak of Invisibility Becomes God

The universe will be dismantled an atom at a time. God will take each atom and make it vanish behind his Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility.

When the universe has been dismantled an atom at a time and hidden behind God’s Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility, God will then dismantle himself an atom at a time and hide the atoms behind his Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility until the only thing left in the universe is God’s Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility.

Sentience will evolve inside God’s Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility and thus, God’s Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility will notice a sizeable collection of atoms and decide what to do with them.

“Let there be light entertainment!” God’s Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility will command and a new, slightly shallower universe will evolve.

And this is how God’s Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility becomes God*.

And it is true because it has been written because it is true.

All: And so say all of us. Oh-oh, the hocus-pocus, that’s what it’s all about.

(from the Gospel According to Leif Garret)

*Although destined forever to live in a universe which refuses to acknowledge his existence, despite him once turning up at a fancy dress party disguised as a magic carpet with the words I’m God now and this magic carpet manifestation is a test of your faith woven into its fabric; unfortunately, it was in a language which nobody understood** and which looked like some fleur de lys patterns which had been stitched on by a one-armed bandit***.

** Only three people in the new God’s new universe could speak Cloak and they were all cloaks.

***Not a gambling one-armed bandit, but an actual one-armed bandit with only one arm.

qualifier

after Luke Kennard (encore une fois)

for 2015½

eurovision football contest

england

versus

eleven special edition lime-flavoured milkshakes

predictably tedious affair
momentarily erupts

into controversy

as england’s captain

wayne combover

drinks left-back

peace and harmony restored

when everyone remembers

it’s only game of foopball

with little hope

of milkshakes scoring

let alone winning

their supporters instead

try win

uefa

racist behaviour award

throwing

small island st lucia

on pitch

whenever england

near goal

england supporters respond

by whistling

second movement

rachmaninov’s

third piano concerto

ref blows final whistle

seventeen times

before is heard

as england

progress to finals

where eliminated

before plane

lands

envoi

elsewhere

ray winstone

loses dignity

in advert

This Much

for George and Joanna (04.10.2014)

More than a prisoner hates his cell,

More than a bully likes to shove,

Or the hypochondriac hates to be well,

That’s how much you I love.

I love you more than a dog can bark,

More than a cloud holds rain,

I love you more than the moon lights the dark,

And more than work is a pain.

As a bad comedian laughs at his jokes,

Or the sky likes to be blue,

As a bicycle wheel needs its spokes,

That’s how much I love you.

I love you more than a bird can sing,

And more than a banger won’t start,

I love you as much as a wedding needs a ring,

And more than a horse pulls a cart.

I swear to you by the world at large,

For everyone to see,

As a sensible soldier hates the word “Charge!”

That’s how you’re loved by me.

(after Nash)