Candidates for the Role of Manager for Manchester United (Yana’ed, Yana’ed, Yana’ed, etc.) Made Vacant by the Sudden and Dramatic Departure of David Moyes, Record Breaker Extraordinaire and Man Whose Surname Most Rhymes with ‘Destroys’ (as in Football Clubs, not the “Vanquishing of One’s Opponents”)

Mother Theresa

   She may be dead but according to the church (Roman Catholic, is there any other?) she can perform miracles.

Mancini

   Henry, not Roberto.

A Plank of Wood

   With a felt-tip face and a sign around its neck reading “Manija”.

A Picture of David Moyes.

   Needs no further explanation.

A Nuclear Bomb

   The thought of the manager exploding at half-time would surely motivate at least some of the players.

Pineau de Re

   You need a proven winner, and which winner is more proven than this year’s Grand National winner?

Mark Wahlberg

   It was either him or Dolly Parton.

A Lawnmower

   Seriously, if they can run the country they can run a football blub. Seriously.

A Particle of Light

   This is an idea which I have shamelessly stolen from Ash Dickinson. Buy his book, or God will be angry. Again.

An Ant

   The bottom line is that you have to be better than David Moyes, and who better fits that bill than an ant?

The Concept of Right-Wing Politics

   Wouldn’t shirk from taking the tough decisions. Or the wrong decisions.

The Phrase “And then things got ugly…”

   For its ironic resonance alone.

The Memory of a Half-Forgotten Song

   Quite a controversial choice and not a favourite with the bookies, but who knows?

My Little Pony (with removable appendage)

   Which footballer wouldn’t want to be managed by My Little Pony? There would surely be a mile-long queue of players desperate to play for Man U, despite the absence of European football or anyone having a clue about what they are doing.

The Queen

   Would anyone dare beat a team managed by Her Majestiness? Treason, etc.

Gordon Ramsay

   He’s Scottish and he swears, which takes care of 80% of the job description of being a successful manager.

Little Bo Peep

   She may have lost her sheep but has she also lost her desire to manage at the top level?

Marilyn Monroe

   Obviously she’s dead but given recent results that’s no reason to discriminate, surely? Would boost sales of memorabilia (although she was, in fact, a Millwall fan).

Stephen Fry

   Knows more than everybody about anything including, presumably, how to manage Manchester United football team.

18 miniature bronze statues of Sir Alex Ferguson

   The bronze from the statue of David Moyes which will now never be made will go instead to make 18 miniature bronze statues of Sir Alex Ferguson.

A line of cocaine

   A line of cocaine would be enough to get most footballers into that winning mindset.

An Impossible Dream

   If an impossible dream can become manager of Man U, then anyone can.

Epitaph on a Football Dream

Bye, bye, Man U,

You were too good,

To be true.