Just a Word

Noel (Edmonds) believes that if you order wishes from the Cosmos, the Cosmos will oblige, just as long as you follow the correct ordering protocols. You must write your wish down on a piece of paper. You must keep your wish general. The Cosmos won’t, for some reason, grant over-specific wishes.

   “Yes, the word Cosmos might sound off-putting,” he says, “but you don’t have to call it Cosmos. Cosmos is just a word. You can call it anything you like. You can call it Argos or MFI.”

Jon Ronson “Lost at Sea”

Just a Word

To my surprise, I learn that cosmos

is just a word, and Noel Fruitcake

(it’s just a word) has never stumbled

across the likes of connotation.

I write a wish upon a piece

of paper. “Dear Wish-Fairy,”

(it’s just a hyphenated word)

“New name for Noel Edmonds, please.”

The answer comes back quicker than

expected. “Too specific. Be

more vague. Sincerely yours, The Cosmos,

It’s Just a Word, Plc.

(P.s. It’s just his name, so why

not try some cosmic DIY?)”

The Cosmos offers free advice

to those who ask (correct ordering

protocols needn’t be applied,

apparently, and who knew that?).

It’s Noel Creepy (just a word),

and Mr Slimy Smug-Faced Tosser,

or Anus Edmonds (all just words),

or Queerbeard Childmolester now.

Envoi

“My Dear Cosmos, Many thanks

for your advice. Address the problem

of stupid folk who think that words

are words and nothing more. Cheers, F.”