Unspeakable

I do not know why certain words upset

me so. There is no reason, none at all,

why simple sounds should drive me up the wall,

or set my teeth on edge, or make me want

to push the twit who said them off a ledge

some fifty storeys high. I don’t know why,

but certain words just make me want to clench

my fists  and shout, as if I’m trying to cast

some wordy demon out. A word I’d like

to kick quite hard, repeatedly, and grind

to dust with size-ten hobnail boots upon

my stamping, grinding feet, is sweet. You see?

There is no rationale at work. I don’t

mind wheat, or tweet, or seat, or even sweat,

but sweet? It’s not the infra dig of, “Would

you like some sweet?” that doth offend mine ear;

the sound itself is what’s at fault. Another

irrational abomination, one

I’d like to push out of an aeroplane

without the comfort of a parachute,

is cute. I don’t mind cut, or coat, or cat,

but cute? It’s such a ghastly, dreadful sound

it makes me want to spit upon its stupid, cutesy face,

but having just ejected it at cruising

altitude, maybe I’m over-reacting?

The third offender on The List of Words

I’d Like to Lacerate and Leave for Dead

is bless. Really? Why? Surely, “Fuck off and die!”?

And yes, you’re right, with bless, I must confess

it isn’t really bless itself, but more

the insincere and patronizing way

it’s said: “Ah, bless!” No, not, “Ah, bless!”

You’re not a saint, so stop with all this bless-ing.

The final malefactor hails from far

away, across the Transatlantic Pond,

from good ol’ USA. And no, I won’t

become all smug, superior and pompous;

I love the way Americans can piss off

the boring English pedant with a well-aimed

“Hospitalization”. It makes my heart

rejoice to see such pain across the face

of one so certain that they’re always right.

But... teary? You cannot be serious!

It’s such a limp, pathetic, dish-rag sounding

disaster of a word. In fact, it doesn’t

deserve the title “word” at all. And here

we see, again, there is no rhyme or reason;

I simply hate the sound of certain words.

I know there’s absolutely nothing wrong

with sweet, or cute, or bless, or even teary,

but when our language is so rich, we can

afford to leave some dying in a ditch,

with twenty fatal gashes to the head.