Sunday, 20 October 2013


People sometimes ask, “Are you a cat person, or a dog person?” a question which 
   leaves me to grumble and mither,
Because I’m never given the option of saying that I’m neither.
“I hate all animals,” I say, by way of a conversation-stopping explanation,
But all this does is elicit from my animal-loving interrogator a pained and appalled 
So charged with horror and shock
It’s as if I’ve just assaulted their animal-loving senses with a canine/feline 
   excrement-filled sock.
“Oh, no!” they shriek. “You can’t say that!”
As if the world isn’t divided on grounds of religion or nationality, but rather on 
   whether one identifies more with a dog or a cat.

Clearly, I’m not going to be allowed to sit on the dog/cat preference fence,
So come out, instead, with a statement I’m sure will cause further offence:
“It depends on how you cook them,” I say,
Much to their further disgust and dismay.
“Oh! You’re just mean!” they petulantly pout,
As if they’ve just twigged what I’m all about.
And as they sit there looking visibly shaken,
I ask them, “Do you prefer sausages or bacon?”

It’ll be bacon, of course; it’s bacon every fucking time: bacon, bacon, bacon, fucking 
   bacon. “Bacon!” they reply, with predictable unoriginality,
Which somewhat undermines the integrity of their animal-shaped sentimentality.
“Bacon?” I say in mock surprise. “I definitely had you down as a sausage person. 
   Just shows: you never can tell!”
“No!” they shout. “Everyone loves bacon; even vegetarians can’t resist the smell!”

Nobody, I learn to my surprise, even that benighted bunch of misfits and weirdos, is 
And it’s here, I suppose, that I should make some insightful point about people 
   being morally inconsistent
When it comes to animal welfare and protection,
But who am I to give an animal-loving animal-eater an ethical intravenous injection
By pointing out the logical incoherence of their position vis-à-vis the liking of 
   animals and being culinarily immoral?
All they did was ask me a question which I turned into a quarrel,
An argument, a fight, an obstreperous racket!
Me with my meat-free diet, my indifference to cats, and my unconscionable leather

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