Me

There I was, happily

SHOUTING obscenities

at the benighted television,

in between mouthfuls of popcorn

and fistfuls of thoughtlessness,

when the television

retaliated by SHOUTING

at the benighted viewer.

We cannot calm our thoughts

with diesel generators,

I though, all faux profound,

when the sofa ordered me

to stop fidgeting like a squirrel.

‘Why squirrel?’ I asked

as the curtains exploded with a raucous,

‘This is my favourite bit!’

which only showed a lunatic on the screen –

a man with an Adam’s apple

bigger than my fist,

which, according to

comparethefist.com,

everyone’s favourite fist comparison website,

is small by fist standards,

but mahoosive for an Adam’s apple

(according to comparetheAdamsapple.com).

In the midst of all this,

I half expected

the fireplace, hearth rug,

and lighting dimmer switch

to join in.

But, I thought,

now you’re just being,

you’re just being too…

you.