Beard Wisdom

I try my hand at wisdom, and, with that

in mind, I grow a beard. Although I’ve heard that

‘the beard does not make the philosopher’

I reckon it’s better than growing a

moustache. Wisdom, I’ve decided, though,

wisdom is all about the facial hair, as all

the wisest men in history had beards.

Okay, this may not be entirely true,

or even vaguely true, or even near

the truth at all; but still, I must start somewhere,

and beard it is (and look at all the men

throughout the ages who decided on

moustache instead of beard: there’s Hitler, Stalin,

and every German porn-star from the seventies,

none of whom we associate with wisdom).

I’m sure there have been a few bare-faced men

throughout the ages who deserve to be

thought wise (the obvious exception here

is Cain), but still, the cultivation of

a beard? It signifies a statement of

intent. ‘I shall be wise,’ I say each morning

to my reflection in the mirror, as

I check for signs of growth. After two weeks,

it’s well beyond the stage we might call ‘stubble’,

and two weeks after that, I have a full-grown beard.

The thing is largely black; perhaps a fifth

of it is grey. This troubles me. This beard

does not look wise. I realise the truth of

‘the beard does not make the philosopher’;

it is the colour of the beard which does

the trick, which makes me only one-fifth wise.

Much to my wife’s delight, I shave my face,

decide to spend the next few years immersed

in books, after which time, I hope, my beard

will be a true reflection of my wisdom.

Meanwhile, I notice that some hair on top

of my now beardless head has made a head-

start to the grave, and bid farewell to this

strange world. Perhaps it didn’t like the thought

of turning grey? Does hair have self-determination?

I don’t remember any mention of

this in the UN charter dealing with

human rights. Should hair be included? ‘All

hair has the right to fall out when it wishes.’

Tell that to Elton John. And where would that

leave facial hair? Our daily massacre

of follicles might one day be illegal

(and then we’ll see who’s wise and who is not).

I’ll spend the next few years reading, reading,

and reading, while my hair falls out, my beard

turns grey; my wisdom gradually arriving.