With the vexatious notion of God no longer troubling our thoughts, we can now spend the appropriate amount of time on the truly serious business of existence: admiring how absolutely divine we all look. Thank God for that.
Only the other day, in an attempt to keep the spirit of spousal affability alive, I had the grave misfortune of watching possibly the most repulsive TV programme I have ever seen. The presenter of this show, a flame-haired obsessive compulsive shopper/lunatic, who desperately needed to avail herself of some of that old Buddhist wisdom regarding the acquisition of goods, explained in a flurry of psychotic euphoria just exactly which items of getting and spending had been in the ‘boom’ part of the ‘boom-and-bust’ economic cycle during the previous twelve months. Before I ran screaming from the room, the impossibly happy shopper was explaining, apparently mid-orgasm, that men’s grooming products now occupied twice as much shelf space as they had twelve months previously. Beard oil, I learned, was something which last year almost no-one had heard of. But now?
With young men now wasting all of their spare time oiling beards, it will be left to the beardless atheists of this country to follow in the footsteps of great men like Benjamin Waugh. I plan to devote my spare non-God-bothering/freshly-shaven time to founding the NSPC.