‘Nobody really understands economics’
· Taxes – We’ll double taxes for people who talk about cars and rugby;
· Deficit – We’ll reduce the deficit by making it smaller (like this – deficit);
· Debt – We’ll send the debt into outer space;
· Banks – All bankers to be sacked and re-employed as food bank volunteers, while all food bank volunteers are to be re-employed as bankers – the poor will have a fight on their hands but at least the banking system will be the envy of no-one.
‘Education is what happens when you’ve completed your education’
· Close down all schools and convert them to giant playrooms;
· We’ll abolish tuition fees and replace them with Cafe Nero vouchers;
· All faith schools to be turned into assault courses;
· All English universities to be moved to Scotland.
‘You’re alright so long as you have your health, and a few other things, obviously’
· We’ll introduce a ban on the smoking ban;
· We’ll hide the NHS underwater.
[This 'Manifesto' was supposed to go out before the Generally Depressing Election, but didn't, because it wasn't finished, due to reasons. I didn't realise that I had written it until I stumbled across it this morning. That happens when I peer into the folders of my computer.]