Saturday, 24 May 2014


Apple have announced the latest must-have gadget: a shark.

“People are fed up with stupid little bits of plastic with a million things you could never possibly need. It’s time to get real,” explained new CEO, Man with Beard, “and they don’t come any more real than a shark. Just ask someone who’s been attacked by one.”

He went on to explain that the average life-span of an iphone these days was “only marginally longer than that of an ant.” At current rates, he said, Apple will eventually release a new iphone every seven minutes. To counteract this, they have come up with the new Apple Shark. “Sharks have been around for millions of years showing a far greater capacity for longevity than the iphone.”

Not everyone is impressed, though. Former Cornish international cricket star, Shane Brisbane, was very disappointed with the new shark. “It can’t even pour a pretend pint for me to pretend to drink. How shit is that?”


[The first person I knew with an iphone showed me how I could ‘pour’ a ‘virtual pint’ and then pretend to drink it. The second person I knew to own an iphone showed me exactly the same thing.]

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