Candelabra Sunshine’s Take on the Democracy of Language

  

Candelabra Sunshine used words like asinine, garrulous, exegesis, embrocation and axiomatic. She would refuse to use certain words or phrases: Ganymede, cute, garderobe, puke, somatic, ‘drank deeply’ or ‘in terms of’. Perversely, however, she enjoyed saying hospitalize, parenting and gotten, simply to irritate the mindless zealots of the “Ooh, blimey, don’tcherknow, you didn’t ought to speak like that, it’s creeping Americanization, pfffft!” brigade.

Xenophobic snobbery? thought Candelabra Sunshine. Such a poor mask for linguistic ignorance and bigotry.

Keloid

I walk into the flummery shop to buy some dictionary-flavoured paint for my kitchen walls, only to discover that the last pot has been sold to a wandering tribe of performing Irish nazis.

   Eyeing the paint chart, I decide on Disdain – with a hint of apple as an alternative.

   Upon returning home, I find that my house is now a small, white envelope. I pick up my envelope-home and open it. Inside is an unwritten list of the names of all the people I should have met.

The scar on my primal wound has been playing up again.